I am my own worst critic. It has always been the case. When I say I am critical of myself, I mean cruelly and ruthlessly so. Bullies on social media have nothing on the way I treat myself. Why am I exacting on myself? Having cerebral palsy means people underestimate me already, so I feel immense pressure to prove everybody wrong. When I miss that mark, I talk to myself in ways that I would never talk to another person. Being so careful of my words around others makes me wonder why I struggle so mightily to treat myself with the same level of compassion and care.
My chosen brother and journey partner and one of my other chosen brothers got to experience the way I speak to and treat myself several days ago. To say they were not happy is a gross understatement. They immediately demanded (in the most loving way possible) for me to start being more kind to myself. They know that I understand how much power and impact words have. They said, “Try to see what we see when we are around you, sis” Y’all think I can do anything including fly was my reply. “Exactly. You do not see yourself properly.” I promised them both I would try. They agreed to help by encouraging and supporting me as they always do.
Un-learning a habit that is second nature, at this point, is proving to be slow going. It feels like I literally must rewire my brain. That feeling is accurate. Rewiring my brain is exactly what I am learning to do. For every negative thought I have about myself, whether true or not, I have to have a positive thought or compliment for me to counter the harsh critique of me, and then I will say the counter point to myself. This endeavor feels very much like tending to a garden to me. It will take time, nurture, care, and patience. Successfully overcoming every other challenge, I face in my life makes me confident I can overcome this challenge as well.
Doing so will allow for living my most, beautiful, authentic, life. I share this extremely personal challenge with the world, so that everyone knows I am not without personal strife or anywhere near done doing my best to be my best version. I hope in sharing this with all of you: it will give each of you motivation to overcome your most personal challenges as well and live your most authentic, beautiful, life too.