I overthink a lot. As a product of this: I live in my head. Sometimes, what I overthink explodes out of my head in ways I don’t like. I cry for, seemingly, no reason. My temper shows up when I don’t want it to over nothing. My tone spikes because of my incessant overthinking. Sometimes, I feel like I have a million words fighting to make themselves known, but I don’t let them. When this happens: I feel like I can’t breathe. Why do I do this to myself? I don’t want to bother anybody who loves me with how I’m feeling. Ridiculous, right?
I know it is. The notion is beyond absurd. Nothing good has ever come from me not opening my mouth. I know better, yet, I repeat the pattern over a lot. Thinking about why I repeat the pattern in a more in-depth manner is a much more uncomfortable answer. On a deeper level not opening my mouth when I need support/encouragement/community is due to the fact that I don’t want to deal with what’s bothering me, sometimes. I just think to myself nope not right now or even today. I’ll confront whatever it is tomorrow. Then tomorrow comes and I put it off, again. Who ever wants to be vulnerable? No one. Vulnerability is really frightening. There’s nowhere to hide or deflect when you are. It’s just you in all your imperfect, messy, glory.
Here’s what I’ve learned since together became the way my chosen family and I choose to live our lives when my brother/journey partner uttered that word to me at age 15. For the record: together didn’t become our way of life all at once. It was gradual. We had to go and live making mistakes, along the way, before we figured out we thrive much better helping and encouraging each other then trying to do life alone. Together isn’t specific to my having CP. Everybody needs a tribe. Life is hard and having people to love you through it no matter what is paramount. Sometimes, they have to check in on me and gently prod me to tell them what’s wrong. Other times, I text them sobbing so hard I can barely see, or so angry I want to throw something.
These people take care of me and I take care of them. Together has gotten us through some really tough days. Our survival rate is 100%. I know I cannot thrive without these incredible humans. They make everything I do easier because it’s our burden…not just mine. Being their sister is a privilege I will NEVER take lightly or for granted. I love them so much and am so thankful for every one of them. They make me brave and better in every sense. If you are reading this and you feel alone or unloved: you’re NOT. Those two feelings are a lie. I’m here and I value your presence. A big reason why I wanted to build this community is because connection is so important. I wanted to give what my childhood/teenage self needed to the world. We’re well on our way, y’all. From the bottom of my heart: thank you for helping me build the community I imagine.