By Tuesday was a difficult day for me. Overly tired from the day before and not having slept that well, I had a meltdown when I got back to my apartment Tuesday evening. I turned up one of my favorite albums and had a cathartic cry. While crying I prayed. Afterwards, I took my phone out of my pocket texting my chosen brother and journey partner. Explaining the day, I had and telling him how I felt I just knew he would understand. Checking my phone after dinner I got more than understanding and advice: I got camaraderie.
Explaining to him that my rope was fraying (our shorthand for struggle and the burdens of life being too much at that moment) as well as explaining that I did not have a clue how to handle stuff in that moment. Telling him I felt unsure and a bit like a toddler or a young teenager with all the growing pains I have been going through in recent months, I asked for hang out time soon. I know we will find a time that works for both of us to see him in person sooner than later. However, he soothed my feelings over a text conversation as is typical for him with me and me with him.
He told me he knew all this stuff that I am going through is a difficult adjustment. As we continued to text back and forth, I asked if this is how he used to feel when we were younger. He laughed and assured me he still felt like that a lot of the time. I was taken aback because my chosen brother and journey partner is one of the wisest, most confident self-assured people I have ever met. Telling him how I saw him had him telling me that it made him smile. What he told me next was incredibly comforting. First, he told me he was proud of me for working to do things I have never been able to do physically before. His words made me smile. Then he assured me what I was feeling was part of being human.
He told me everybody feels like I was feeling from time to time. Nobody has a clue how to be an adult all the time. We all just learn, grow, and do the best we can every day. My tears started again. I told him I did not mind if what he told me was just to make me feel better. He assured me it was the truth. I knew that because we are always very honest with each other. We always have been since we were little babies. It is one of the things that makes our relationship so special: having no need to be anything but ourselves around the other.
I share part of our conversation and how it made me feel with all of you because I know that someone is feeling like I felt on Tuesday right now. A little lost and like they are the only one who feels that way. This blog post is to remind you that you are not lost and what you are going through is a period of adjustment. It is also to remind you everybody goes through feelings of not knowing from time to time, and to remind you all to give yourselves a break.