By My brother/journey partner has been telling me the following for years: “Stace, your story and journey will help a lot of people. You should write a book about your life…one day.” He believed this even before God mad us family back when we were just good friends. The first time he said it my response was: are you crazy? Me write a book? I can’t do that.” He said, “I know you can. However, it doesn’t have to be now. It can be a someday goal. Okay?” Yeah, okay, I said, fully intending to never give it another thought. My terror and absolute resistance back then makes me laugh, now.
Every time we had a chance to catch up, after he initially floated the idea, he’d bring it up, again. That’s who he is: someone who believes in his convictions, with plenty of stubbornness, and tenacity to see his goals and dreams through, too. Fortunately, he also has the ability to see what others can’t see in themselves. He uses that particular gift to push those he loves and cares about to do what they think they can’t. I’m very firm when I say no, and am stubborn to a fault. I get that from Kirk. It has served me well many times. My brother matched me in stubbornness every time we talked about the book. My stubbornness was born out of fear, in this case; while his was born out of conviction and belief in me and my writing gift. I will never be able to thank him enough for never wavering… even though I know I made it anything but easy.
As the years went by, and we had more conversations about the book: it became much more of a back and forth between us. Experiences and circumstances I found myself going through showed me my brother may have a good point. Much more misinformation about CP began to reach my eyes and ears. It made me angry. I said to him during one of our many discussions about a possible book:
No wonder people are often rude, and sometimes, downright mean to me in public and classroom settings. They’re being fed a bunch of wrong information, at best, and bunch of outright lies…at worst. It makes me want to scream, throw non-breakable things, and afterwards sit them down and tell them the truth. People are scared of what they don’t know and understand. He made sure I was done being upset and then said, “You have the ability and gifts to start to change the conversation, sis. You don’t like it? Do something about it.” Okay, so I’ll make you a deal. I’ll start trying to write the book in my free time, but you have to realize it’s going to be slow. You have to not push too much, and give me space to feel my way through the writing process. “Deal.”
After that conversation: I started trying in earnest in my free time. The result was a jumbled mess. I couldn’t figure out how to tell my own story. It made me mad at myself. I’m really good at being too hard on myself. I am my worst critic. Then my dad encouraged me to try blogging. Dad, a blog about what, exactly? “I don’t know. You are the one with all the gifts, brains, and talents in our immediate family. You figure it out.” Full disclosure: Dad is an engineer by trade. Mama is one of the smartest people I’ve EVER met. I’m definitely not the only one with brains or gifts in my immediate family.
That conversation, with dad, started me thinking, researching about blogging, and doing a lot of praying. I didn’t tell anybody. I wanted to start a blog for the right reasons, and about something I knew a lot about. The latter was suggested in all my blogging research. There are only two things I am sure I know enough about to base a blog on:
- American Politics: it’s one of my passions. It also happens to be my other job. It’s what I’ve studied since late 2002. I have always been fascinated with American Politics. My specialty is institutions particularly the presidency. I LOVE my other job. However, I quickly determined I didn’t want to blog about it. There’s enough of those blogs…already. I found typically visitors and the blogger spend a lot of time yelling at each other on those blogs. No, thank you.
- My condition: the thought, initially paralyzed me with fear. I would actually close my Internet browser, while saying nope both in my head and out loud.
That was the fear the enemy kept playing on a loop in my head talking. He’s sneaky that one. I kept up the research and praying. On September 28, 2019: I woke up determined to fight back against the fear in my head. Today, the book was becoming a blog instead. I woke up and after breakfast: started setting up this blog. It took: several hours, countless pep talks, lots of singing out my fears, a giant leap of faith, and a tiny kernel of hope. I wanted to share my story and journey as a way to inspire and encourage others through their own hardships of life.
Let’s be real: we’ve all got hardships. We all have fears, too. Fear can paralyze us. It can keep us from thriving. We must never allow fear such power. Faith and hope are the antidotes to fear. I was afraid of the inevitable Internet trolls, however. I knew in my bones and my spirit that this blog was bigger than me and my fears. Every, single, time I’ve felt like this in my life: crazy/beautiful things happen. Each of those times deserve their own blog posts, and they shall have them in the future. I knew I was simply supposed to try, to have faith, use my gifts and abilities in the best way I possibly could. The rest: well, I had to put that in my Father’s hands. My pastor describes it as: “Letting go, and letting God.” He’s right.
Right before I pressed launch on this blog: I looked up, and said: “Okay, God. I know this is what you want. I’ve always known my CP is bigger than just me. I didn’t know why, or even what that meant most of my life. I do, now. I know why you’ve used my brother as your vessel. You needed someone who I knew really, really, well to plant the seed. You used Dad to give me a shove. Fittingly, YOU used granddaddy Kirk to tear down the last lies in my head. Thank you for letting it be him. He asked me to do a lot of things before he left me physically. I always want to honor those requests and make him proud. He told me I already had, and my life was going to better than I ever imagined if I: just tried, let go, and let YOU.”
I’m starting to believe granddaddy’s right. He usually is. I want this blog to be a community for everyone who feels like they: don’t belong, are a misfit, are not loved, seen, or heard. I want everybody to feel comfortable here, and through my story/journey know those feelings are lies and not even close to the truth. It will take time to build the community I envision here, but we’ll do it together. Thank you all for caring enough to engage here. I hope you stick around, and tell everyone, you know, who might benefit from reading my story and journey. We’re just getting started and things are about to get crazy good. It’s another feeling I have in my bones and spirit. Stay tuned, y’all.
