For those of you who think I have all the answers: let me dispel that right now. I don’t. No, definitely not. I think of having CP as an adventure in understanding my body, myself, and understanding how to advocate for myself and others. This is related to my very early blog post about mindset. I used to plaster a smile on my face saying I’m fine. I have it all figured out. That was wishful thinking and a lie as well. I was lying to myself most of all. I have nothing figured out. I don’t know where my life is going to end up.
I’m a planner. I’ve planned my life and path out more than once. Every time I have planned my life out: those plans get blown to smithereens. Sometimes by me changing my mind based on my internal tension. What I call my internal tension is really just God, my angels, and others who love me nudging me in the right direction. What does my internal tension feel like? It feels like I can’t breathe and I have words waiting and fighting to spill out. When that happens: it’s time to pick up my phone and open my mouth. It’s also time to let go and let God. Those two solutions go hand and hand. Sometimes, very directly. As in: praying on the phone with someone who loves me.
Sometimes, like every other human, my plans get blown to smithereens due to circumstances I can’t control. My type A self LOVES those situations…NOT one bit. My two biggest fears (which are entirely in my head) are: a) I’m going to end up being a loser who doesn’t live up to my potential and/or use talents/gifts as completely/well or as can/should; b) I’m going to disappoint those who love me most.
Y’all think I think too much, yet? I do. All my academic training only makes the overthinking worse. Of course, I have challenges and stuff to think about how to deal with most people do not. I also have lots of help to figure all of it out. I also don’t have to figure it all out at once, which I often forget. I tend to think big picture/long term instead of little manageable pieces. I always have. This is something I’m still learning to do. I’m pretty sure this will be a lifelong process.
Who told all of us that we have to have it all figured out at a certain age or time? Aren’t we setting ourselves up for failure and disappointment if that doesn’t happen? My answer to that question is yes. What’s the solution to not feeling failure, disappointment, and fear because we don’t have it figured out? My solutions are to listen to those who love me, pray, and create a life that makes me excited to get out of bed.
We don’t ever have to have one dream, one job, or one purpose. I believe my purpose is multidimensional and I never have to be limited. The only limit I have are the ones I create in my mind based on what others think or expect. I’m intentionally blocking out those two things out, this year, at least that was one of my goals for the new year and decade. Now, this particular goal seems more acute. None of us know how much time we have left. All we can do is do our best to make all of it count.
The other solutions are to pull in expert help whenever need arises. Also, keep writing in my private journal and blogging. In addition: keep showing up for myself as well as those who love and support me. In short keep doing the hard work figuring out what thriving, with my condition, means for me, so I can live my best and fullest life. That’s the endgame. My best life all the while being myself instead of some fake version. That fake version helps no one…least of all me. We should all strive to be our most authentic selves to live the best life possible in the time we’ve got. Thank you all for coming along, with me, as I figure out what that looks like for me. I hope my honest journey, to thrive with my condition, helps each of you who reads my words.