My faith is at the core of everything in my life. That doesn’t mean I don’t have questions and doubts. I do. However, the God I serve can handle those. I think God welcomes them because it means I’m talking to him. It’s impossible to have my condition and not have questions. It’s also impossible to not doubt, sometimes, that I do any good in this world from my chair. It’s my truth. I get discouraged, sometimes. We all do. Life is really hard condition or not. So how do I handle those days? Let me take everybody back to the beginning of my faith journey first.
I gave my heart and life to my Father at a young age a few months before my surgery in St. Louis. I prayed the prayer in Sunday school. My, now, brother/journey partner was in that Sunday school class, which now that I think about it was God planting seeds. That decision makes the days I’m frustrated and angry at my circumstances much easier. They are just battle scars and bumps in the road that prepare me to fight harder for those with my condition who can’t. I feel such a responsibility to do that. This blog was born out of that responsibility.
When I have a bad day or week CP wise: you’ll find me in tears. Those cleanse my heart and head. After crying: I sing so I can get more of my emotions out of my system. When I’ve sung everything out you’ll find me with cell in hand texting or calling my siblings. Bless them for allowing me to talk it out with them. My brother/journey partner, often, when I have a rough day suggests we pray together. Matthew 18:19 is what we hang onto when we do. “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.”
We pray for my: tone to get back to manageable levels, muscles to relax, pain to go away, fear to vanish. After we finish talking to God about how to use this experience for good: he reminds me to take deep breaths. He knows when I’m upset or in pain: my breathing shallows or I hold my breath all together. He literally listens to my breathe, sometimes. This usually makes me laugh. I think it’s absurd. He knows his sister needs reminding to deep breathe. Then he’ll say, usually, go take a half of a doctor prescribed muscle relaxer or some Advil. Both help my muscle relax further.
At the end of a rough CP day or week: I find myself talking to my God about His love for humanity and about how no mistake was made when He created life. It breaks my heart that anyone thinks the God I serve hates them. God loves humanity so much Jesus came into the world to take our punishment. My commission as a believer is to love God and every human as I love myself. I’m going to do both until my time here is up. I want to be the best light I can. That’s all, so at the end of my Earthly life I hear: “Welcome home my child. Well done.” That’s the end game. To live a life God is pleased with and to show my faith in as many ways I can until then. I’m still learning how to do both, but as someone who loves learning I don’t think God expects any less from me.