Yesterday was a difficult day. I did not sleep well the night before because I was having a bit of muscle pain. Muscle pain is not unusual for someone with my type of CP. After a few hours of tossing and turning, I was able to get comfortable enough to go to sleep. Yesterday was also a day full of errands. Everything went well until we were finished for the day. When mom and I were unloading the van, the automatic door where the ramp is would not work again. The good news this time is that I was out of the van before it malfunctioned.
Here we go again, I thought. After having dinner with my parents, I went back to my apartment and started to cry. Picking up my phone I texted a few of my chosen siblings and told them what was wrong. Angry and raw is exactly how I felt. One of my chosen brothers did his best to redirect my anger to the big picture and my faith journey. Honestly, I was not happy with him. He knew it. He cracked a joke. I rolled my eyes. I am very proud of how far he has come in his life and his renewed commitment to his faith. It is admirable and inspiring. However, I just wanted to be angry for a while which is rare for me. My tiredness was making itself known as well which was fueling my anger.
The longer we texted back and forth I told him what the real problem was with me. I feel guilty, I said. Guilty he asked why in the world would you feel guilty? The company that sold the van fixed this exact problem two weeks ago and here we are again. That is not your fault, sis, he said. Do not go feeling guilty for stuff you cannot control. Brother, if I did not have CP the van would not be necessary, and it would not be broken. He said, “This is very unlike you. Stuff breaks and gets repaired, and life goes on. You know that.” I do, I responded. I told you my feelings were illogical before I told you what was wrong on a deeper level. I told him I can hear my chosen brother and journey partner right now and see his face. If he were involved in this conversation, he would understand what I am not telling you.
My chosen brother told me to try and explain to him why I was being so illogical. Okay I said. It might not make sense to you. Just try, Stace, he said gently. I feel the weight of what I am doing every day. Everybody has an opinion on how I should do this work well. It is just like my fellowship year. A bunch of advice I did not ask for. I had meltdowns then too because my life was changing, and I did not want to mess it up. You know we are all proud, right, he asked. Yes. Do you really, sis? Yes, I responded. With that established, yes you have made some mistakes and had to learn, but learning is a part of life. Now that you know better, you are doing better, and it is paying off. You are okay. We love you and we are not going anywhere. Understand, he asked. Yeah, I responded. I am sorry for the meltdown. You are entitled occasionally he said.
The van door worked fine this morning. After calling the mechanic to get his opinion on what happened yesterday he said keep an eye on it and if it malfunctions again, he will send someone here to adjust it rather than having to bring it into the shop again. That response is an answer to prayer. Yesterday was a reminder, for me, that it is okay to not be okay we just must not stay there and let the people that love us help us carry burdens now and again as we do for them when they need us to. I wanted to document yesterday to be honest showing that I struggle at times like every one does. In addition, I wanted to share the things I was reminded of yesterday with you all as well.