Why self forgiveness is important for living life full of love

I have had the privilege of being able to go out and about more as of late. I forgot how much I missed being able to have a life. However, having a life outside of my apartment is not without complications and adjustments. What do I mean?

A few weeks ago, some friends and I went to eat at a local Mexican restaurant. I love Mexican food. It is my favorite kind of cuisine. That said, while at the restaurant, my very sensitive ears made me remember adjustments are necessary in every season of life. I was doing my best to focus on the conversation in front of me however, later I discovered I was hearing two conversations at once and my brain was trying to respond to both and it made for a complicated days afterwards; because I made somebody I love very uncomfortable without meaning to.

A few days after that dinner, I was having occupational therapy. My therapist realized that I can hear more than one conversation at a time because my ears are sensitive due to my condition. I was responding to her and to other people around me at the same time and I had no idea. To say I was upset with myself would be an understatement. I was beyond frustrated. I was embarrassed and angry. I did not know how to fix it either.

She suggested now that I know that about myself when I’m around more than a few people I can pay attention and be aware of that. I can also retrain my brain to just focus on the conversation in front of me. I am doing just that. I am diligently working on it. I felt better about everything that happened, but I apologized to the person that I hurt by not knowing what was going on with me before that dinner.

She was gracious and wonderful about it. She told me I would figure it out, and I had help to do that if I needed it, I was relieved. However, I am my my own worst critic. I told her my own forgiveness was going to take a lot longer. I’m still working on that aspect because I feel bad about what happened. Logically, I know it isn’t my fault and I also know that I am aware of it and working on it. I still don’t trust myself in a large group, however, so I find myself staying more quiet than I normally would. I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings so until I adjust better: being more quiet it is.

I know self forgiveness is a significant part of living a life, full of love that is as full and independent as I can make it. I also know myself well enough to know that I have not forgiven myself yet completely. I don’t think I will until I learned to control that particular aspect of my condition better.

Once I have more confidence that I’m only listening to the conversation in front of me self forgiveness will come naturally. I know that. It is just going to take time like everything else in my life right now. It is also going to require continued work on my part which I am happily willing to do, so that I become the best version of myself for the rest of my life, and that particular project is going to be a lifelong one as it should be.

I share this not because I want pity. I share it to be honest and transparent about my efforts to thrive with my condition. I know by sharing, I may be able to help someone else not be so critical of themselves while they are learning to be the best version of themselves throughout their lives as well. That hope is worthy of sharing this particular struggle with you all.