In 2015, when mama was told I was suicidal, again, by a person who did not know me very well I called my brother/journey partner sobbing. What? How are we here again, brother? He talked me down and helped me assure mama that I was more than fine. I just needed to process my surgery and recovery. He told her my brothers and sisters had me. He told her not to worry about a nosy person, who didn’t really know me if they thought such nonsense. He was right. He usually is. Together got me through that experience tougher than ever. That experience also made me clam up and reject speaking and living my truth for a while.
My Father and I had talks about how if this nasty feeling is what following Him feels like I can’t. I apologized and cried. He assured me it wasn’t. He showed me a better way. He showed me a love, a patience, a kindness it felt like I had forgotten. He told me He just wanted me. All of me. He wanted me to just be myself. He told to trust the crazy and Him, so I did just that. I leaned into the crazy/beautiful journey & a Father who has NEVER created a mistake more and more. It felt good after a while. Getting there was tough. I talked to my brother/journey partner & the rest I call brothers and sisters, too. We kept talking. I was angry, sad, and felt like a mess. Slowly, we got me back. I thought they, Kirk, and Granny weren’t proud of me. They all showed me I couldn’t be more wrong.
They were right. I just needed to be myself. I needed to just be brave because I have everything, I need to be a source of light & love in this world. When a critic comes, at me, but they haven’t taken the time to ask/ understand me beforehand it’s not on me. I can move on. I can choose to live my life that way I know I should: on my Father’s terms/plans/the journey/and with chosen family. I can choose not to listen because it’s not who I have been, am, will be…EVER. This blog post is to remind you all as well.