CP has been a conscious part of my everyday life since age 4. For a long time I just shoved down talking about it; my daily life is pretty typical. I don’t want it to slow me down. Sometimes, the reality is that it does. When it does: I get angry. Then, usually, I get mad at myself because I’m a miracle. Literal miracles aren’t supposed to get angry. I know how blessed I am to be able to do all the stuff I can. Lots of people with CP cannot. What taken me a long time to get and be okay with admitting: some days are awful and I’m angry. Imagine knowing how your body is supposed to move, and your limbs won’t cooperate with your wishes. That’s my every day. I get frustrated and talk to my limbs, now and then. Sometimes, I fall and have twisted knees. I frequently have bruises, scratches, and scrapes I have no idea where came from.
When I get frustrated I reach for my phone: my chosen family is really good at understanding me, and making me sit in my emotions. We talk it out, pray. laugh at the ridiculous. They helped me to understand it’s okay. What I feel is okay. I’m allowed to feel whatever. I’m just not allowed to wallow or let it take over. I felt guilty feeling whatever for a long time. Why? Literal miracle over here. I’m supposed to be a hashtag of blessed all the time. I feel that way, but there are other emotions, too. Robin Roberts (of Good Morning America) talks often about her mess being her message.
As I started blogging: I realized my mess was my message, too. God doesn’t need an unreal version of myself. Nobody who loves me needs some fake version of me. They just need me to keep doing my best to thrive. Everybody needs me to keep trying to figure out what the heck that even means and looks like. I need me to keep trying to thrive, show up everyday and go through everything, do the work to figure out what that means and what my best life looks like. That’s the endgame: my best life. Together, we’ll get there and make adjustments as we go. That’s okay. Me not knowing what all of it looks like is pretty typical for everybody… not just just people with CP. Life is challenging and adulting is brutal, sometimes, that is the truth.