I do not like conflict. Avoiding conflict is my preference. Those two truths do not mean that I do not have a temper. I can have a vicious temper if I am not careful and mindful. Me not liking conflict means that I am exceptionally good at moderating the temperature of a situation and monitoring the emotions of everybody else in any room. There is a serious cost to being a peacemaker. It means I apologize when it is not my fault or my responsibility to do so.
My peacemaker personality also means that I have made myself small, many times, for someone else’s comfort. In other words, I have not been my authentic self because I knew there were people in my world who would not like my authentic self if I showed then her. One of the gifts of my healing journey is understanding this about myself. In doing so, I can distance myself from people who do not really like my authentic self and focus on the people who love me just the way that I am and for everything that I am trying to become.
In the case of a handful of people in my life distance means absolutely no contact. The policy of no contact with these people will remain in place for the rest of my life for my well-being. There is a level of hurt that I forgive but do not allow access to me any longer no matter how much they tell me they are sorry and would like to be a part of my life again. I consider these people lessons and move on. Feeling immensely proud to be able to give such profound hurt, forgive myself for not knowing and being able to move on.
In the cases of other people in my life, distance really means distance. Distance means comma in this situation comma, much less contact than before. In this case, it means not allowing them to have a big space in my life because they are more than a little toxic and leave me crying or angry with each interaction. Over six months into giving some people a much more distance in my life I feel much better because I am empowered, and I am loving who I am becoming. Sharing this part of my healing journey with you all is me hoping it will help those who need to know letting go of people who continually hurt you is not only possible but empowering.